God and Michele talk again

Oh Lord, my Lord!

What is it now Michele?

It's just that we left our last conversation a little, well, unresolved. By the way, you sound kind of masculine today. I like that.

Ah, it's just a little head cold. What do you mean unresolved?

[stammering] I was kind of left up in the air about being forgiven for being so bigoted against gays and lesbians. I know that Jesus loves me and all, but I have felt all shivery and cold since we talked.

Yeah, Jesus loves you, Michele, but personally I think you're kind of a jerk.

Oh dear God!

What?

It was just an exclamation.

Taking my name in vain, eh?

Oh no sir, or ma'am!

Just call me God, okay?

Okay. But God, it says right in the Bible, especially in the Books of Moses, that homosexuality is an abomination. What am I to make of that?

Well, in retrospect, I should have written out what I wanted for laws. That's what I did when I gave Moses the Ten Commandments. Not nearly so much room for ambiguity. All this later stuff was dictated when Moses was older and didn't hear so well. For example, you know the stuff about shellfish? Total misunderstanding. I was talking about macaroni shells. Those things are awful! I love shrimp myself. Especially scampi.

And he wrote in this funny cramped hand. Did you know Moses was a lefty? Damn near impossible to read. Lotta mistakes made over the years.

I can't believe it!

Well believe it Michele. I could tell you stories. Like the time . . . well, never mind. Moses was kind of a prude, too. He slipped in some stuff he never got from me. Most people have been sensible enough to discard most of it. Like the business about stoning girls who aren't virgin brides on their fathers' doorsteps. You can bet if I had given men hymens that rule would never have seen the light of day! Or men having to marry their brothers' widows. Pretty barbaric stuff. And how many guys do you know who get along with the sisters-in-law?

This is really hard for me to accept.

I know, Michele, that why there's a couple of years for you to get your head around some of these things before . . .

Before what, God?

Nothing. Really, nothing.

You're not holding out on me, are you God? What is it? Give me a hint? Will I like it?

Well, probably not.

Oh, please tell me.

Okay. If you insist. I took a lotta money off Lucifer or Beelzebub, or whatever you want to call him, over that Job deal. He wants to go double or nothing on you. And you know, you're just crazy enough to stick it out, so I agreed to the bet. It means you'll lose everything: husband, kids, house, reputation. You don't have any cattle do you? But stick with me, kiddo, and I'll make it worth your while in the end.

You mean I'll be elected to Congress?

Don't be silly.

Tag: Michele Bachmann