the Cucking Stool: Praying for Monica

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Praying for Monica

O Lord, my Lord!

What is it now, Michele?

I'm glad you're there.

I'm ALWAYS here, Michele. Sometimes I just choose not to be on call.

I'm praying about somebody else tonight, Lord, not myself.

That's refreshing.

What?

Never mind. Just tell me who's in a pickle now.

It's thy maid servant Monica Goodling. She works for the Justice Department.

Yeah, I've heard of her. And you're right. She needs help.

Then you already know about her situation.

More than you, Michele.

Of course, Lord. Will you help her?

What did you have in mind?

I was hoping that you would smite that awful Pat Leahy. And maybe Chuck Schumer, too, although I don't want to ask too much.

Very considerate of you.

Lord, it's just that Monica went to a Godly law school. So did I, as you well know. And we get made fun of for our legal education by the unbelievers. Well, and by some believers, too. I feel her pain.

That's Bill Clinton's line. You know that, don't you?

It is? I'll never use it again. Yuck!

I don't know Michele. I've always sort of liked it. But back to smiting. That's a pretty tall order. Especially since Leahy is on to something.

That's why it is so important that he be smitten, or smited, or whatever.

But let's say Michele, just for the sake of argument, that Monica did some things she shouldn't have done, and said some things she shouldn't have said. It wouldn't really be fair to smite someone who is just trying to get to the bottom of it, would it?

But Monica is one of your people, a sheep in your flock.

You're all sheep to me. God was that Freudian, if I do say so myself. Michele, what would you say if I told you that Monica was involved in activities that were detrimental to the operation of the very process of justice? That she may have interfered with some public corruption cases, and that she assisted in the damaging of the careers and reputations of some fine lawyers.

Well, Lord, I'm sure she had a good reason! It had to be to speed Your Kingdom here on earth.

Hey, don't put this on me! I am not going to smite Pat Leahy; I'm not even going to swat him a little. I may actually pat him on the back.

What? Help someone afflicting one of your sheep?

I told you Michele, you're all sheep to me. It's you people who are always trying to divide everybody up into "us" and "them." It kind of annoys me, frankly. Monica's got the Ninth Commandment on her rapsheet now. Remember the Ninth Commandment?

Ah . . .

I'll save you the embarrassment. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

But Lord, number Nine? It's way down on the list. It would be easy to miss.

I always remember things I read last better, Michele. I am afraid Monica is on her own.

You won't do anything for her?

Well, maybe a little advice.

That would be wonderful! What is it?

Tell her to listen to her lawyer. Take the Fifth.

But this will probably ruin her career!

Sometimes, Michele, when you burn your butt, you have to sit on the blisters.