Sunday, July 04, 2010

The remote control evangelical

You know, you’re narrow minded.

[the evangelical, after consulting his iFaith app] What do you mean by narrow minded?

What do think I mean?

[typing furiously with thumbs] Hang on a minute.

What do you mean by narrow minded?

I think your views about gays are antediluvian.

[types “antediluvian”] No, Moses wrote after the Flood.

Okay, you’ve got me there! It’s narrow minded to take as gospel the words of somebody who wrote with no scientific background, who wrote, in fact, before science even existed.

[types “gospel”] Moses wasn’t a gospel writer. He lived before the baby Jesus.

Which is the bigger abomination: homosexuality or eating shrimp?

[types “degrees of abomination”] Um, it doesn’t say. But it has to be homosexuality.

I don’t agree. It’s shellfish by a mile. Lev. 11:10. Prove me wrong.

[types, then presses the “send” key several times] What do you mean by narrow minded?

I think we should stone non-virgin brides to death on their father’s doorstep. What do you think of that?

That would pretty extreme punishment, even though it would be a sin, don’t you think?

But that’s what’s prescribed in Deut. 20:22. Not for the guy though.

And let me ask you this: have you ever gotten a haircut? Actually, it looks pretty short to me.

Of course! I’m not a dirty hippy.

Sorry, that’s forbidden, too. Lev. 19:27.

[is thoughtful for a moment, and then types] You’re right!

Do you play football?

Of course I do; it’s the All American game!

Do you wear gloves?

No, of course not.

Then how do you ritually cleanse yourself after playing?


Touching the skin of of a dead pig makes you unclean. Lev. 11:6-8.

Come on! Don’t be ridiculous.

I’m not; I’ve given you Bible citations for all the rules I’ve mentioned. But the same crackpots who wrote that homosexuality is an abomination wrote the rules about shellfish, non-virgin brides, haircuts and dead pigs. Oh, and they sanctioned slavery, too. Lev. 25:44. And selling one’s own daughter in to slavery. Ex. 21:7.

But homosexuality must be different.

Only because you think it is. Again, prove me different.

[starts typing again, sigh and stops] What do you mean by narrow minded?

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