Michele’s nightmare

O Lord, my Lord! Why hast Thou forsaken thy faithful maidservant – me?
Hugga bugga ey snosses veerloreen infiiiiidèle deeeeeeeeemócraaaaaaata, ssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugt Tiiiiiiiiiiiiit bugga bugga.


Oh Michele, I've been listening to your blubbering several times a day since you were sixteen years old. And what's that last part?


Oh, God I was speaking in tongues. I thought you would understand.


I do, and watch your mouth. By the way, have you been drinking?


No! I swear!


Careful Michele.


Well, maybe just a little. [burps] Excuse me!


Good for you. I have thought for a really long time that you were screwed down way too tight. Now, in standard English, what's on your mind?


What am I going to do?


Do?


You know what I mean. I won't be in the Legislature anymore and I'm not going to Congress. I'm a failure, especially in Your eyes.


You are what you are Michele, today, yesterday, and the day before that.


What do you mean?


[sighs] I'm just being inscrutable; I'm entitled to do that. I'm God, remember? Mysterious ways and all that stuff?


Right. You've just never done the mysterious ways stuff to me before. When bad stuff has happened to other people, I always just said that to them and smiled, and then expected them to snap out of it, after all, it was just a husband, or child, or an eye, or a hand. Nothing like this.


Did you make me lose? I prayed so hard.


Yeah, I know. People all over the world been gettin' busy signals for weeks! All right. I admit it. I fixed this one for Patty Wetterling.


You what? I can't believe it! Thou hast forsaken me!


Normally I wouldn't intervene, but there were so many people praying for you to lose, I had to go with the majority. Sorry.


You went with majority rule? Majorities aren't always right, you know.
Really? It's funny to hear you say that Michele.


Why?


On this gay marriage ban thing, you wanted "the people to vote." Majority rule.
But this is so dif-- . . . . . Is this one of those "mysterious ways" kind of a thing?
Could be Michele. Think about it.


If it is, You're really being mean to me. You could have just told me what You thought about gay marriage.


You've never been much interested in listening Michele.


But what am I going to do now?


I hereby command you to get thyself home, get rid of some of that make-up, cleave to that putz Marcus, and make some cookies or something.


I don't know if I can do that!


Just kidding.


Oh thank God!
You're welcome. Really, if you love me, feed me sheep.


What?


Just think about that for a while. We'll be in touch.

 
Michele! Wake up. You're having a bad dream! You've been moaning and speaking in tongues. Are you okay?
Oh Marcus, hold me. I dreamed that I lost and just had a heart to heart with God!