Sunday, July 08, 2007

Katherine Kersten: The Dating Game

[Inspired by Katie's column last Thursday.]

Before we bring in our contestant, let's meet today's three bachelors. Bachelor Number One, tell us about yourself.

I'm a third-year resident at a hospital in Chicago. I am going to pursue a specialty in pediatric surgery. I did take some time off from my studies to work with Doctors without Borders. I love sailing and biking.

Bachelor Number Two?

I'm a professional motorcycle racer; I've raced in Europe and the US. I love the speed. I have to admit that I love the adoring crowds, too, especially the pretty girls and the kids. I'm setting up a foundation with my winnings to further research about the cure and rehabilitation of people with spinal cord injuries.

And Bachelor Number Three?

Um, I just moved to Chicago from Tennessee to take a job as a higher-up at H & R Block. I haven't met any girls in the city yet.

Well, Bachelor Number Three, what are your hobbies?

Hobbies? I guess I do like music.

Oh? Do you sing or play an instrument?

No, just listen on the radio, mostly. Grand Ole Opery and stuff.

OKAAY. Let's bring out our contestant, Miss Katherine Kersten! Have a seat right here, Katie, and let me ask you a couple of questions. What are your dreams?

I want to find a mate.

I see. A soul mate, right?

No, I mean a mate, a husband. I'm tired of the bar and nightclub scene.

So you have tried meeting Mr. Right in a nightclub?

Oh, yes. For several weeks. And it's not working. The guys seem to be put off by the questionnaire.

Maybe you need a little more patience.

Patience? Look at me. Have I been getting any younger while I've sat here?

I see your point.

Katie, let's play The Dating Game! Your first question for the bachelors? Remember, the questions—and the answers—have to be general. Nothing specific about where a bachelor works, and so forth. Your first question, Katie, go ahead.

Katie: I want to ask each of you what you think of when you think of a romantic evening.

One: I think of the theater, a quiet dinner, and then who knows what?

Two: A romantic night would be a fast ride in the moonlight to a secluded beach to cuddle in the warm sand and listen to the waves.

Three: Oh, roasting marshmallows and drinking hot chocolate, for sure.

Katie: What are your career aspirations?

One: I see myself eventually working with children in a third world country.

Two: I would like be a promoter of, er, sports events, partly charity events to advance some of the issues that concern me.

Three: Me? I just want to rise to the top in my company and be an expert in avoiding taxes.

Announcer: Careful Bachelor Number Three. That was pretty close to the line!

Katie: Are you close to your family?

One: Regrettably, my parents have passed away; I have one sibling, a sister who lives in Tasmania.

Two: I've got a brother, but I travel so much I don't really see him often. Same for my folks, I try to stay in touch, though.

Three: I'm very close to them. In fact, until a few weeks ago, I lived with my ma and pa, and let's see, four brothers and sisters.

Katie (visibly affected by Three's answer): How many siblings do you have altogether, Bachelor Number Three?

Three: Thirteen.

Katie: Oh my! Okay, back to questions for everybody. Do you want to have children?

One: Yes, a couple of them, I think.

Two: I really haven't thought about it—thought I might get married first!—but two sounds about right.

Three: Oh, I want a bunch of the little rug rats!

Katie: Where would you like to live?

One: Probably somewhere in equatorial Africa near my work.

Two: Some place really unrealistic, I suppose: the south of France, maybe Tahiti or Bali.

Three: Nothing exotic like that for me. I'd like to live in the little town where I come from, but jobs are scarce there, we don't even have a Wal-Mart, so probably just in a suburb somewhere, far enough out to keep some animals.

Announcer: Katie, you have just one more question.

Katie: Ok, here goes! Do you believe that the Bible is the inerrant Word of God?

One: The Bible is a fascinating work of literature. It is full of contradictions and it raises as many questions as it answers.

Two: That's a pretty strange question, I must admit. Hadn't really thought too much about it, but I guess I agree with Bachelor Number One on this one.

Three: Oh yes! No question about it! God wrote it Himself! The earthly authors weren't just inspired, they got the direct scoop straight from God. It's His book, all right.

Katie: That seals it! Bachelor Number Three is the one for me!

Announcer: Katie, I would like to introduce you to Bachelor Number Three, Earl! Earl, this is Katie. You sound perfect for each other.

[Thanks to Flash, MNO, Tild, and the crew at DLF for the inspiration.]

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