Saturday, September 22, 2007

Just checking in!

Ring. Ring. Hello? [rather loud music in the background]

Hi Sweetie! It's Mom!

Oh, hi, Mom. Why are you calling? It's - - -

Ten o'clock on a Saturday night, I know. I can hardly hear you!

[stage whisper] Turn the music down! It's my Mom! [a muffled male voice answers, indistinctly]

Who are you talking to? That sounded like a boy.

No, no, Mom. It's just my roommate. She just has a cold. A really bad cold.

It must be a bad one; her voice has dropped at least an octave. And she has such a nice voice for the chapel choir. I hope she is over it soon!

[rolling her eyes] I'm sure she will be, Mom. Why are you calling? I mean, it's nice to talk to you.

It's nice to talk to you, too. Can't a mother check in with her youngest child to see how she's doing, even on a Saturday night? I mean, you're the last one out of the nest and go to college, and it's hard for your Dad and me with no one around to hector, I mean guide, anymore.

I'm sure that true, Mom, but really, I'm fine.

Really? Are you sure you're okay?

[more eye rolling] Yes, I'm sure.

Say, wasn't that a brown person singing on your stereo?

Um, yeah. I think his name is Barry White.

That's a funny name for a brown person! But you be careful about the animal passions that a brown person's music can arouse, Missy! Do you hear me?

[eyes gyrating, nearly uncontrollably]  Yes, Mother.

Well, you know, I'm a little suspicious, after your older brother told me that he was going to toga parties, and I thought it was to observe ancient Greek culture. You can imagine how shocked I was when I found out what toga parties really were.

Yes, Mother.

You know, Sweetie, I've just been thinking about a column I wrote last week about the evils that stalk the University of Minnesota campus in the Twin Cities. A giant, er, condom, can you imagine? I mean, you don't know anything about those things, do you?

[sighs] No, Mom. You and Dad were careful to keep me away from any information about that stuff. I don't go to the U, remember? What's a condom? [snorting laugher in the background]

That's my girl! Just be sure you keep it that way!

I will, Mom.

And keep your pants on.


All right. It's just that a mother worries. Did you go to confession this afternoon?

Well, no. But I didn't have anything to confess.

Are you sure?

Yes!!! Gosh, Mom, I don't think you trust me.

Well, of course I do, Sweetie! What are you doing now?

I'm getting ready for bed so that I can go to church early tomorrow. I have a lot of studying after that.

You'll make you Dad and Mom proud! Keep your nose to the grindstone and be good. Bye!

Bye, Mom. [click]

[peals of laughter from two voices, one male and one female]

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