Ring. Ring. Hello? [rather loud music in the background]
Hi Sweetie! It's Mom!
Oh, hi, Mom. Why are you calling? It's - - -
Ten o'clock on a Saturday night, I know. I can hardly hear you!
[stage whisper] Turn the music down! It's my Mom! [a muffled male voice answers, indistinctly]
Who are you talking to? That sounded like a boy.
No, no, Mom. It's just my roommate. She just has a cold. A really bad cold.
It must be a bad one; her voice has dropped at least an octave. And she has such a nice voice for the chapel choir. I hope she is over it soon!
[rolling her eyes] I'm sure she will be, Mom. Why are you calling? I mean, it's nice to talk to you.
It's nice to talk to you, too. Can't a mother check in with her youngest child to see how she's doing, even on a Saturday night? I mean, you're the last one out of the nest and go to college, and it's hard for your Dad and me with no one around to hector, I mean guide, anymore.
I'm sure that true, Mom, but really, I'm fine.
Really? Are you sure you're okay?
[more eye rolling] Yes, I'm sure.
Say, wasn't that a brown person singing on your stereo?
Um, yeah. I think his name is Barry White.
That's a funny name for a brown person! But you be careful about the animal passions that a brown person's music can arouse, Missy! Do you hear me?
[eyes gyrating, nearly uncontrollably] Yes, Mother.
Well, you know, I'm a little suspicious, after your older brother told me that he was going to toga parties, and I thought it was to observe ancient Greek culture. You can imagine how shocked I was when I found out what toga parties really were.
You know, Sweetie, I've just been thinking about a column I wrote last week about the evils that stalk the University of Minnesota campus in the Twin Cities. A giant, er, condom, can you imagine? I mean, you don't know anything about those things, do you?
[sighs] No, Mom. You and Dad were careful to keep me away from any information about that stuff. I don't go to the U, remember? What's a condom? [snorting laugher in the background]
That's my girl! Just be sure you keep it that way!
I will, Mom.
And keep your pants on.
All right. It's just that a mother worries. Did you go to confession this afternoon?
Well, no. But I didn't have anything to confess.
Are you sure?
Yes!!! Gosh, Mom, I don't think you trust me.
Well, of course I do, Sweetie! What are you doing now?
I'm getting ready for bed so that I can go to church early tomorrow. I have a lot of studying after that.
You'll make you Dad and Mom proud! Keep your nose to the grindstone and be good. Bye!
Bye, Mom. [click]
[peals of laughter from two voices, one male and one female]