Monday, September 29, 2008

The curious mating ritual of Nancy Pfotenhourolufogus

It's that time of year again. The time when adult specimens of the species Flackus Grandulus make their way out of their gilded abodes and on to the teevee in a display of lovemaking so grotesque that one must question whether or not a just and loving god has an active interest in his own creation.

For those of you unfamiliar with this peculiar dance, it is known among field experts as "setting the bar". You see, the adult Flakus lacks a device by which it can spread its seed. In order for it to procreate, it relies on the graces of another species, the Pundiculous Rex. The process itself is quite simple. When an adult Flakus is ready to mate it emits a signal called a press release which attracts flocks of Pundiculouses who are then willing to carry the Flakus' reproductive material to the only place where it can grow into a viable specimen, the Americanis Publica.

What is truly interesting about this transaction is that Pundiculous is actually a distant cousin of the Flakus' natural enemy, the Journalmalism Primus, but unlike its more fearsome relative, it appears to have developed a taste for publicly gratifying the Flakus. Scientists are not exactly sure why the Pundiculous Rex would submit to such a counter-intuitive and embarrassing procedure, but should the Flakus be unable to find a P-Rex, it would quite literally masturbate itself to death.

Let's take a look at this process in action. In the following excerpt an adult Flakus name Neil Newhouse gives the business to the P-Rex, Miles O'Brien:

O'BRIEN: Neil, let's begin with you. You know, I get the sense that George W. Bush and his team played the expectations game perfectly on round one. What's your sense of it? Was everything played perfectly in the sense that all he had to do was put together a single English sentence and he wins?

NEIL NEWHOUSE, REPUBLICAN POLLSTER: I wouldn't go quite that far. But I think if you look at the Bush debate with Al Gore and then the Dick Cheney debate, I think both men exceeded expectations. I think, in truth, the bar was set fairly low and the bar was set low because there was a sense that Al Gore was an expert debater. He has picked people apart extremely well in the past and I think there was a, maybe an over confidence on behalf of the Gore people that they would population mop the floor with George W. And that clearly wasn't the case.

In my studies of the Flakus' mating ritual I have come across several people who find a certain grace in the "natural" give-and-take between these two creatures. I think these people are sick and in need of immediate psychiatric care. Take a look at this list of mating encounters from the last major Flakus mating season, 2004:

In the run-up to this year's presidential debates, some in the media are once again playing the "expectations game" in favor of President George W. Bush against his Democratic opponent -- the same thing that happened four years ago. In the lead-up to the 2000 presidential debates, the press downplayed expectations for then-Governor Bush, enabling the Bush-Cheney '00 campaign to easily create the perception that Bush "won" and then-Vice President Al Gore "lost."

Media and political scholars noted this troubling phenomenon following the 2000 debates. On PBS's NewsHour with Jim Lehrer on November 7, 2000, Marvin Kalb, executive director of The Joan Shorenstein Center on the Press, Politics and Public Policy, observed: "No one took into account the possibility that if you set the bar real low for Bush, all he had to do was pronounce America properly and it would be a terrific thing. And that is in fact what happened." On December 17, 2000, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette politics editor James O'Toole noted: "In the debates, low expectations were positively liberating for Bush ... He got through them unscathed, and given the political handicapping, that was enough to beat the point spread."

Truly sickening stuff.

Unfortunately, this year's mating season is shaping up to be an even more grotesque and cringe-inducing affair than what we saw a mere 4 years ago. This time around, the entire Flakus population has been put into a twitter by a woman named Sarah Palin, the governor from Alaska, and GOP Presidential nominee John McCain's running mate for VP. As you have already seen in the clip at the top of this post, adult Flakuses are positioning themselves in front of P-Rexes all over the internet and teevee with their sexual glands fully exposed and rubbing up against the screen.

Thankfully, all hope for decency is not lost. Some members of the Journalmalism Primus population have grown tired of seeing their distant relatives behave in such an unbecoming manner. Take a look at what happens when J-Pri Jeffery Toobin approaches P-Rex Gloria Borger during an interview with what can only be described as some sort of gray-bearded succubus:

BLITZER: Gloria, what are you going to be looking for Thursday night?

BORGER: Well, the bar is, first of all, on the floor for Sarah Palin. She -- you know, so I'm looking to see how she goes toe to toe with Joe Biden, who's very experienced in foreign policy, and how he handles her.

BLITZER: But he's pretty capable of having a gaffe himself.

BORGER: Right, he is, and that's why this debate is going to be so interesting because these people are going to look at each other this time. And --

TOOBIN: But I don't think the bar is on the floor. I think the bar is the same place it is for Biden. I mean, who are we to say where the bar is? I think this is their job to say whether she's capable of being vice president --

BORGER: But people don't expect --

TOOBIN: -- and president of the United States.

BORGER: -- a lot. You know, look, if she performs --

TOOBIN: Well, they should.

BORGER: -- fine --

TOOBIN: They should expect a lot.

BORGER: -- it will be better than fine for her. Do you know what I'm saying? That's what I see.

TOOBIN: I understand your point, but I just think we sort of create these expectations that are just not our job -- it's not our job to do.

Decency exists!!! There is a god and not all is afoul with his creation!!!

People often ask me what they can do to stop the atrocious mating habits of the Flakus and its insidious dance of indignity with the nonsensical P-Rex. "Turn away," I tell them. Turn away. You see, for some reason or another when the P-Rex takes a warm money shot to the face on national teevee, its brain mistakenly sends a signal that tells itself "good job, this is how you get to sit at the big boy desk," when, in fact, it should be telling itself "my god, I can't believe I'm sitting here taking this s#&t." This isn't to say that getting openly abused by a Flakus is not in the P-Rexs' best personal interests. Quite to the contrary. You see, Flakuses know people. They know important people and there is nothing P-Rexes like more than knowing people who know people. It makes them feel warm and validated. However, while an individual P-Rex specimen may be overcome with personal feelings of joy when being mounted by an adult Flakus, as a species, and as a community, P-Rexes only serve to embarrass themselves by acting as a facilitator for the Flakuses' lewd behavior. There is no dignity in being another species' whore. I believe that's in Genesis somewhere.

UPDATE: A Minnesota Flakus has made the national news with a disturbing bit of...well, read for yourself:

Several Republicans said that all of this could ultimately play to Ms. Palin’s benefit, lowering expectations for her so much that a mediocre performance in the debate could be hailed as a success.

“Thanks to the mainstream media, quite a low expectation has been created for her performance,” said Ron Carey, chairman of Minnesota’s Republican Party. “The style of Sarah Palin is going to amaze people. She is going to be able to amaze people with the substance she is going to deliver.”

Come Friday, Mr. Carey will have reached climax, having repeatedly thrust his proboscis-like member into the ears of numerous adult P-Rexes. Without their help, by noon tomorrow he would have dry humped himself into a coma and no one would have cared.

Remember folks, these creatures cannot spread their seed if it were not for the willingness of the P-Rex. Who in their right mind would swallow their dirty deeds if it were not for the facilitation of the lowly Rex?

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