Tuesday, August 10, 2010

“I’m going back to Allen”

Ring. Ring.

Hello. Emmer here.

[beery voice, echoing] I’m going back to Allen.

[muttering, then:] Hi, Mark, I’ve been meaning to call you. I’ve decided to make a change in my campaign manager.

I know, but it’s too late; I quit.

Mark, it’s Tuesday; I announced the new campaign manager over the weekend.

Doesn’t matter; I quit.

[sighs] All right, if it makes you feel better.

[with a catch in his voice] You don’t really care how I feel. I’m going back to Allen, did you hear me say that?


[vehemently] Allen Quist! He’d never treat me like this!

Mark, Allen isn’t running for anything. He also took a shellacking as the endorsed Republican when he ran against Arne Carlson in the primary in 1994.

He did? Well, let that be a lesson to you, too.

I’m sorry, Mark, I don’t follow you.

[long pause] Well, when you abandon people, bad things happen.

What’s that supposed to mean?

[little sob] I thought we were such friends in the House. We used to vote together on lots of stuff.

I know; I’ll miss that.

No you won’t. I trusted you. I’m sending your stuff back.


You know; the paperweight, the hockey stick, stuff.

That’s okay, Mark, keep it. As a token.

Noooooo! I want to send it back.

All right, suit yourself.

You’ll pay for this, you know.

And how is that?

I’ll tell all my friends that you aren’t a real conservative.

[voice rising] Tell me why you think that will stick, Mark.

Well, just look at my replacements: RINOs, backsliders. One of those guys even helped Arne Carlson beat Allen — our Allen — in that primary you were talking about.

Well, true. But look, Mark, I’m going to level with you. Tony said it was either me or you going into the pool. Look at this as taking one for the team.

Not my team! What a bunch of backstabbers!

I’m sorry you feel that way, Mark.

That is how I feel. But at least I’ll be back in the House next year.  I won my primary race. No thanks to you! Worked my tail off for you, and this what I get. But you won’t even be in the building next year. Ha ha!

[angry] That was a cheap shot, Mark. Where are you calling from, anyway? You sound like you’re in a cave.

I’m at Moola’s Bar. [in Jordan]

Mark, it’s pretty late.

I very well know that, Mr. gubernatorial candidate! I’m celebrating.

Are there other people there listening?

Well, sure, lots of people; I said I’m celebrating.


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