Monday, May 14, 2007

Katherine Kersten: The Smell of Fear

Katie has been off the anti-Muslim beat for a while, but Spot knew it couldn't last. In today's Strib, Katie speaks in admiring tones about the congressional clunker, the Protecting Americans Fighting Terrorism Act of 2007 and one of its sponsors, Col. John Kline. Boys and girls, your friend Spotty already wrote about the bill he calls the Insulation of Bigotry Act of 2007. With a follow-up here. Spotty liked both posts and he hopes you will read them.

The bill is a grandstanding nothing. It may fool some people into feeling that their bigotry is okay to let out, but it won't keep them from getting sued for defamation. From the first post linked above:

One of the co-sponsors was the Colonel, our own John Kline.

Spotty has seen some grandstanding in his day, but Reps. Pearce and Kline, you take the Oscar® for this one. How many lawsuits do you think this will prevent, boys and girls?

It has to be a lot Spotty, otherwise Reps. Pearce and Kline wouldn't have bothered.

Oh, you are a callow fellow, grasshopper! The answer is zero. Here's what Rep. Pearce's bills says: you can't bring a civil action in a federal or state court for making a "qualified disclosure" of "suspicious conduct." Here's how a "qualified disclosure" is defined:

For purposes of this section, the term "qualified disclosure of suspicious behavior" means any disclosure of the allegedly suspicious behavior of another individual or individuals to a Federal, State, or local law enforcement agency or other security personnel that is made in good faith and with the reasonable belief that such behavior is suspicious.

Who is going to determine whether the discloser had a "reasonable belief" that the behavior was "suspicious"? And what's the standard? A reasonable person, or the panicked Mr. and Mrs. Bigot?

Boy, those sound like a question for the courts, Spotty!

Yes, grasshopper that's right. Which is why Rep. Pearce's exercise in futility will not keep anybody out of the courtroom. And Spotty says that the bill does not affect the legal standard a whit, either.

The unraveling of the recent Ft. Dix "plot" by an "alert Circuit City employee" making a copy of video footage is offered by Katie as proof the bill is needed. It has yet to be determined whether the feds have discovered a real nefarious plot or just paint-ball playing fools. In either event, the "alert Circuit City employee" managed to report on the amateur videographer without the Colonel's spiffy new law.

Katie why don't you and the rest of the Pucker People just give it a rest? People are tired of the constant scare tactics.

Now word comes to Spot of an initiative, apparently by the Department of Health in Minnesota, called It was created to scare us. At the site, there is a link to a handy list of what citizens can do to prepare for the apocalypse. Really useful tips like: "be aware of your surroundings at all times" (those are really words to live by), and "take precautions when traveling" (pack the Imodium and some extra condoms?).

In the spirit of this valuable and undoubtedly expensive initiative by our state government, Spot has a few of his own tips to offer:

  • Be sure, boys and girls, to save all your old combs, hairbrushes, and toothbrushes and label them carefully in plastic bags so that the authorities can more easily identify your remains through DNA testing after you have been kidnapped and killed by terrorists.
  • Carry some hair, nail clippings, or skin scrapings of each of your children with you at all times, along with recent front and profile pictures of each of them for the same reason.
  • says don't accept packages from strangers. But here's one you probably haven't thought of, boys and girls: if you have a substitute mail carrier one day, make that person show you some ID and then verify it with the local postmaster before you let the carrier put any mail in your slot. Enforce your wishes at gunpoint, if necessary!
  • Move or leave if something does not seem right. Again, this is advice from But if this advice is to be effective, you must push and kick through any crowd you might be in, screaming "Let me outta here! Help!" at the top of your lungs.
  • Be sure not to drink tap water. It's probably fluoridated, anyway. Only drink bottled water from a reliable source. This means if you travel, which Spot does not recommend in any event, you must carry an adequate supply of water for drinking and bathing along with you! There are handcarts that can be adapted for this purpose.
  • Have your children tattooed with their name, your name, and a second emergency contact along with phone numbers in your child's mouth: on the inside of a cheek or along the gum. Consider shorter names for any future children to minimize their pain and discomfort when you have this done. And get a good dental impression while you are at it! Be sure to have the information updated if you get a new phone number or change emergency contacts.
  • Google the names of everyone on your block and make up a tab sheet for each of them. Note carefully any deviation from normal, an extra trash bag, for example. Consider ordering up a full background check for anyone who looks suspicious, especially—and this should go without saying—if they're brown.
  • Buy a police scanner, so that you can keep informed about violence in your neighborhood.

There's much more that Spot might offer. But be sure you check in with for the weekly tip that will be offered. Good night everybody. Sleep lightly and know where you gun is at all times. Sweet dreams!

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