Sunday, February 04, 2007

Opera Buffa

Boys and girls, Spot read an article or blog post recently (he can't find it back to link to) that called the Clinton impeachment fiasco an "opera buffa." That reminded Spot of an email he got a couple of years ago telling Spot about just such a production:

Next fall the Metropolitan Opera in New York is scheduled to produce an opera commemorating Bill Clinton's daunting experiences in the White House.

Composed by Giuliani Veritas (in Italian), it was commissioned by Jesse Helms in conjunction with the National Endowment for the Arts:


Act I.

The Situation: Bill Clinton has been elected President of the United States by an overwhelming margin. The Republicans are devastated, angry and are trying to find their way back to power.

As the curtain rises on the opera, the House Republicans are meeting with Ken Starr with the object of trying to find a way to remove Clinton from the Presidency.

Opening chorale, "We Must Find a Way" (Creato grandissimo floozi scandala) is sung as a sextet. In an impressive recitative, Tom DeLay sings "Where Will We Find a Helper?" (Dredgi uppulia una Granda Bimbo). The House Republicans exit.

Paula Jones enters stage right with a mirror, singing her plaintive aria "Why Can't I Find a Man?" (Mia schnozola es humongo). Tom DeLay and Newt Gingrich enter from the other wing. They spot Paula and sing the duet "Why Not Her?" (La floozi perfecta). They meet and take Paula to a small cafe where they hatch their plot in hushed tones. Paula tells them of her meeting in a hotel with Clinton years earlier and how her fortunes have collapsed since then. DeLay and Gingrich offer to help. They sing the aria "Your Luck has Changed" (Nozjobbo e'rewardo).

Act II.

The House Republicans reconvene with the news of Paula's revelations.

They sing in jubilation "We Must Tell the World" (Fono tabloido). The rear curtain raises to reveal the Chorus of Media who sing the chorale "Tell Us More, But Only the Truth" (Sexio scandala hypo sweepi).

Gingrich enters with Pat Robertson. They sing the duet "He Must Go" (Hypocriti pious crappola). Robertson offers time on his television program to expose the charges.

At the House Republicans' suggestion, Paula initiates a lawsuit. The Paula Jones scandal becomes the topic of conversation throughout the country. The Chorus of Lawyers enters from the right to sing the jubilant grand chorale "We Must do Our Duty" (Multi, multi grande moola).

Ken Starr meets with the House Republicans to plan the next steps. They sing the aria "We Will Save the Country" (Sleezi connivo, la media succisttuppo). Starr promises to convene a grand jury which will send charges to the Congress. He sings "The Truth Will be Known" (Whitewater non starto, il probo la floozy epidemio).

The Chorus of Lawyers sings a reprise of "We Must Do Our Duty" (Multi, multi grande moola) as the act ends.

Act III.

In the first Scene, Linda Tripp enters the stage arm in arm with Ken Starr. She is wearing a headset and singing "Monica is My Dearest Friend" (Io sono la wiccida witchi occidenta). She tells Starr about the secret tapes that she has made of conversations with Monica Lewinsky. Starr takes them from her and sings "We've Got Him Now" (Presidente droppo pantaloni). Starr hurries off to the Grand Jury to call Monica as a witness.

In Scene 2, Monica enters the grand jury room where the Chorus of Lawyers asks her questions. They sing the recitative "How Did It Happen?" (Panti thongo, la flashi). Monica sings the long, passionate aria "We Were Meant for Each Other" (Nonsmoko El Pruducto, Phalli symboglio).

In Scene 3, Hillary and Bill are sitting in the Lincoln Bedroom talking about the revelations about Monica. Hillary sings "I Will Stand By You" (Tu jercho estupido, io removo tu equippamento). Bill replies with "She Was the Only One" (Non conto Gennifer, Paula, piu multi bimbo forgetta). They embrace.

You'll have to go see the production to learn the denouement. Spot wishes he had an author to credit.

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