Thursday, May 01, 2008

Andy confronts Lugnut

This is Spot's contribution for Law Day.

MNO said it wasn't called Law Day anymore, Spotty.

As far as Spot is concerned, it's still Law Day. Loyalty Day sounds too much like Richard Nixon and Roy Cohn.

When we left the courtroom where Andy Aplikowski is being tried for the crime of having a loose dog, your humble correspondent Spot had been cross examined by Andy. Andy's dog, Lugnut, was then called as a witness by the prosecution; Lugnut testified that he has escaped from the yard a number of times before. Now it is time for Andy's cross.

Andy approaches the witness stand where Lugnut is seated. Lugnut is a large medium-haired rough-coated dog; he is black and white, and brown, and when you get a good look at him, some tan, too. Lugnut is what they call at the pound, charitably, a "mix."

AA: [somewhat menacingly] Hello, Lugnut.

L: [whining] Hellp, Boss. Aren't you supposed to call me "Mr. Lugnut?"

AA: Just wait 'til we get home and see what I call--

J: [banging his gavel] That's enough Mr. Aplikowski! I won't have you badgering witnesses in my courtroom. And your dog is right: it is "Mr. Lugnut" in here.

AA: [rolling his eyes] Okay, okay. Mr. Lugnut, you say that you have escaped the yard several times. But it's a chain link fence; how is that possible?

L: As you know, Boss, the fence is what? A four footer? I can practically see over the fence! It's an easy jump; you know that.

AA: What I know or don't know is hardly an issue here.

P: Objection. Mr. Aplikowski is trying to testify, I think, and he's not under oath. And what he knows or doesn't know is obviously the issue here.

J: [smiling tiredly] I'm afraid he's right, Mr. Aplikowski. If you want to be a witness, you'll have to call yourself as a defense witness, be sworn in, and be subject to cross examination by the prosecutor. For now, confine yourself to asking Mr. Lugnut questions about what he did.

AA: Okay. Mr. Lugnut, haven't I told you not to jump over the fence?

L: You tell me to fetch your slippers, too. How often have I done that? Yeah, you have said, "Lugnut, don't jump over that damn fence."

AA: How often have I told you that?

L: Pretty much every time you have had to haul me back into the yard after I jumped the fence. I'd say often.

AA: Well, never mind that. So you knew that you weren't supposed to jump the fence, but on that fateful Sunday night you did so anyway. Why?

L: Well, Boss, you raised me right, to be a good Republican dog. The neighbor dog that I attacked? He's a really small dog, but I didn't like the cut of his jib. I thought that sometime, maybe sometime, he would come over and piddle on the fence. I wanted to take him out first. It was an act of preventive deterrence.

AA: Who taught you that idea?

L: George Bush.

AA: [sighing] I have no more questions for this witness.

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