Friday, November 17, 2006

I know you’re in there, Mark!

Scene: somewhere on Capitol Hill
Time: last week during "freshman" orientation

Knock. Knock. Knock. [pause for a response]

Knock! Knock! Knock! [more insistently this time] Come on, Mark, I know you're in there.

Go away. There's nobody here.

Don't be an ass, Mark. If there isn't anybody there, how did I just get an answer to my knocking?

It's my secretary. Oops. I mean I'm Mark's secretary.

Oh come on. I've met Mark's secretary. She's a nice young woman who sounds nothing like you.

Cough. Cough. I have a cold.

Mark, there are people standing out here with me, with cameras, and they're starting to laugh.

Maybe they're laughing at you Michele.

Mark, dammit – oh, the cameras aren't rolling are they? – you know you have to leave that office so I can move in. I won your seat!

I won't go. I thought I was going to the Senate, but I'm not, so I'm not going. I was here first.

But you won't be a congressman anymore.

I want my old job back. Ken Mehlman said I could have it.

He did not.

Did too.

He did not. Besides, Ken Mehlman is history.

He is? Ooh, that's bad.

Do I have to go and get a key? Don't make me do that. I tell you what, Mark. Just open up the door and let me look inside. I just want to see what the office is like, ok?

Well, ok. But just for a minute.

Just for a minute, Mark.

[door opens a crack, and Mark Kennedy's head appears in the crack] Ok, I'm going to duck down and you just look over the top of my head.

Mark, I can't see anything. Just a little wider. Please?

Ok, but no funny stuff.

You really have the place fixed up nice, Mark. Is that a bust of Ronald Reagan over in the corner?


I will not. [pushing hard against the door with Mark pushing back] Ooof. Mark, you don't want to know what I'm gonna do to you when I get in there!

I'm not afraid of you.

Well, you should be! You're just a squatter now. Get out! Lemme in! Marcus, help me you dolt!

[Marcus takes a run at the door, slams into it; there is a kind of hollow "thwonk" sound and the resistance from inside ceases]

[Michele pushes the door open and walks over and stands astride the unconscious Mark] This is what happens when you defy God's will! Take him away!

[onlookers grab Mark by the feet and drag him into the hall]

[breathing heavily] What a fight! [Michele pauses and looks at Marcus] Are you as turned on as I am?

[shutting the door behind him] Even more, baby!

No comments: