Monday, October 30, 2006

‘Lo Daddy


Hi, Laura, is Junior there?

Oh hi, Daddy Bush. Yes, he's here.

Well may I speak to him?

[sighs] Do you really have to? He's always so hard to live with after you call.

Only after I call? Ha! But I really need to have a chat with Junior. What's he doing right now?

I think he's in the den playing with the Google. Ever since he found those satellite maps on the Google, he's been obsessed with finding places to bomb in North Korea and Iran. Sometimes he sits at that screen late into the night, way past nine o'clock. Frankly, I am a little worried.

That's the kind of thing I want to talk to him about.

Okay, but I sometimes have trouble getting him to break away from his reconnaissance, even for milk and cookies. I'll see what I can do. [shouting now] Mr. President! You have a phone call.

Who is it?

It's your father.

I don't want to talk to him. Tell him I already spoke to my father – the heavenly one – today.

Oh, Mr. President, you'll hurt his feelings!

What about my feelings all those years? Growing up in the shadow of the "Great Man." But at least I got two terms.

See, you got even. Talk to him, please.

All right. [picking up the phone, speaking sullenly] 'Lo Daddy.

Hello, son.


Oh come on. It's just the two of us.

Laura says it.

[sighs] Okay. Hello Mr. President. Satisfied?

Thank you.

Son, I mean Mr. President, there is something I need to talk about with you.


The situation in Iraq. I know it's a sore subject, but . . .

I don't want to talk about it with you, not anybody!

Well, Mr. President, it's not like when we used to play peek-a-boo. It won't go away if you just cover your eyes. And I know Iraq is not your fault; I've told you that many times at family get-togethers and in front of everyone to make sure they hear it. So just listen to this will you?

NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NAH! I'm not listening.

I think you are. Now you know that Uncle Jimmy is trying to figure out a way to extricate you from this mess, I mean situation? He and that feckless piece of bipartisan window dressing Lee Hamilton. Anyway, I want you to listen to Uncle Jimmy.

Aw, Daddy, do I have to? He probably gonna be critical of me.

I've already talked to Uncle Jimmy about that. We've agreed that he'll sugar coat it as best he can. And you know that Uncle Jimmy is a fixer, a real wizard. Think of what your rap sheet would look like without Uncle Jimmy. Just let him help you again.

Daddy, do you think Uncle Jimmy can make me look good?

I said he was a fixer, not a miracle worker.

Well, thanks a lot! If Uncle Jimmy tells me to change things, well, I just won't.

I'm sorry you feel that way, SON. [hand over mouthpiece, speaking to another person in the room] I tried Jim.

I heard that! Uncle Jimmy is in the room, isn't he? ISN'T HE?

Yes, he's here. We're just trying to help you.

You've been "trying to help me" my whole life. And look where it has gotten me. I'll solve this one by myself. [click] Let's see, Tehran, Tehran. Oh, there it is.

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