Sunday, January 28, 2007

Getting a referral

Ring. Ring. Kathy Kersten here.

Oh Katie, I mean Kathy, I need your help.

Who is this?

It's Marcus Bachmann.

You want my help Marcus?

Yes, you're a Catholic, right?

I am a Catholic. You know that very well Marcus. You think I'm in league with the anti-Christ.

[evasively] Never mind that. Can you help me?

An evangelical seeking the help of a Catholic. Now that's rich. What's on your mind?

It's about Michele. I think she is possessed by Satan.

[hysterical laughter] Sorry. What makes you think that, Marcus? Michele's performance at the State of the Union address?

Well, that, but there are other things, too. She thinks that Jim Ramstad is possessed.

You're just making sport of me aren't you, Marcus.

No, I swear! I'm desperate.

All right. You do sound worried. How can I help?

You Catholics know about exorcism and stuff, right?

What? I have no idea why you're talking about.

Oh come on, Katie. Michele and I saw the movie. In fact, that may be part of her problem.

It's not something we usually discuss with apost--, I mean evangelicals.

Please Katie! This is a Republican House seat we're talking about here.

Well, that does emphasize the gravity of the problem. I do know a little about exorcism, I guess.

Thank you! Thank you! Can you recommend a good exorcist?

[long pause] Katie?

Years ago, when I had some trouble with--, well never mind. I have no personal experience with this stuff, you understand, but I have heard about someone.

Oh please tell me who it is!

All right. But you didn't get this from me, okay? [pause] Okay?


There is an old, old priest who lives at the rectory for the Cathedral over in St. Paul. He spent several years at the Vatican. He knows the procedures inside and out.

That's great. What's his name?

Promise to keep me out of it?


All right. He's an Irishman, named O'Connor. Father Seamus O'Connor. I should tell you that he believes in fairies and leprechauns, too.

Katie are you sure this is the guy?

I'm sure.

[sighs] What choice do I have? Will he expect anything of me?

He'll expect you to convert to Catholicism. We don't undertake this kind of heavy lifting for apostates.

I'm not sure I can do that.

Promise him you'll convert. I suppose you can back out later. But it will put your immortal soul at risk.

Hmmm. Damned if I do and damned if I don't! But I'll do anything for Michele, and the Republican Party, of course!

I am awed by your commitment, Marcus.

Thank you, Katie. I'll give Father O'Connor a call. Not a word to anyone, okay? Goodbye.

Mum's the word. Godspeed, Marcus.

[a little later]

Ring. Ring. This is Michael Brodkorb.

Kathy Kersten here. You won't believe what I am going to tell you.

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