Thursday, January 25, 2007

Jimbo's Exorcism

Scene: a dim hallway in the Cannon Office Building in Washington, D.C.

Time: late in the evening, a few days after this and this.

Hurry up Marcus, and be quiet! [Michele with her finger to her lips as her every footfall sounds like a rife shot from her 3 inch heels]

This is a really, really bad idea, Michele. Why did you have to drag me along?

Don't be silly, Marcus. I need you for protection!

[under his breath] You need protection from yourself, Michele.

What? I couldn't hear you.

Oh, never mind.

Well here we are: Room 103. The office of Jim Ramstad, also known as Beelzebub. I found out he was gonna catch up on his reading this evening; his staff will be gone. Marcus, knock and see if he's there!

What? Me? No, you do it.

I'm not gonna do it. He'll be suspicious.

Boy, that makes sense. All right, but that's all I'm going to do. [knocks on door] Congressman Ramstad, are you there?

JR: Yes, hello. Who's that? [voice from within the office]

Marcus: Congressman, it's Marcus Bachmann. I need to talk to you.

JR: Is it about that bat-shit crazy wife of yours?

Marcus: [hesitating and looking at Michele] Yes! [Michele gives Marcus an icy and malevolent look]

JR: Okay, hold on a second; I'll come and get the door.

[The lock turns, and when the door opens an inch, Michele shoves the door, sending Ramstad sprawling.]

Michele: Ha! That worked on Mark Kennedy, too! Don't move, Lucifer!

Michele: [Ramstad lies stunned as Michele stand over him and starts to spit on him. Then she speaks.] GOOOO WAAAYE SAAAAAAAAATAAAANNNNNNNNNN NOOOOWWWWWW LLEAVVVVVE JIMMMMMMMBBBBBBBOOOO HUGGABUGGA!

Marcus: Michele, what are you doing?

JR: [weakly] She's speaking in tongues.

Marcus: I know that, but why are you spitting on Congressman Ramstad?

Michele: My sanctified spit should burn his flesh!

JR: [wiping a gob from his forehead] It's a little warm, Michele, but it doesn't burn.

Michele: It's supposed to burn! Damn! He's a tough one.

Marcus: I am really sorry Congressman. [he helps Ramstad to his feet] Let's go into your office and get you into a chair and clean you up.

JR: [a little uncertainly] Well, okay. [Marcus guides Ramstad into the inner office and sets him in a side chair by the desk.]

Michele: I told you this wasn't over, you Lucifer. Didn't you vote with the Democrats six times in a row? Crossing ME on every vote?

JR: Well, yes but---

Michele: Yes but nuthin', mister. That's proof enough for me! [Michele dumps the contents of a large handbag on the desk. Among other things, there is a silver cross, a bottle, and rather ominously, a wooden stake and a large rubber mallet.]

JR: [looking nervously at the wooden stake, in particular] What's all that for, Michele?

Michele: [snatching up the cross and brandishing it in from of Ramstad] Leave Jimbo, Satan! I will beat you out of Jimbo if I have to!

Marcus: Oh come on Michele. Don't hit him or spit on him again!

Michele: Marcus, I think someone is coming! Go and make sure the outer door is locked.

Marcus: Okay, but Michele, don't you dare touch him while I'm gone. [Marcus leaves the room]

Michele: [shrieking loudly] Marcus come help me! Look what Jimbo, I mean Satan, did! [Marcus returns] While your were out, Jimbo's head turned completely around, and he vomited this green goo all over me and the beautiful dress that you picked out for me!

Marcus: What? My God! [pause] Wait a minute! That smells like maple syrup! I saw maple syrup and green food dye on the counter when we left to come over here tonight. Michele, you're making this up. You just poured green maple syrup on yourself!

Michele: You apostate! [going for the stake and the mallet] Now I have to kill him to free Jimbo's soul.

Marcus: [moving between Ramstad and Michele] I forbid it! Go away!

Michele: [a look of growing horror overtakes her face] Marcus! The devil has got you, too! I should have seen it! [she snatches up the cross and backs out of the room] I knew Washington was a wicked place, Marcus, but I thought you were strong. [she reaches the outer door, turns and runs, shrieking] Colonel Kline! Colonel Kline! Save me!

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