Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Monica calls Rachel

Ring. Ring.

Hello, this is Rachel Paulose, your United States Attorney.

Omigod, they want to talk to you, too!

I'm sorry. Who is this?


Monica? Monica who?

You know very well who this is. Monica Goodling.

Oh, of course. Monica. What can I do for you?

That's a little abrupt, Rachel.

Whatever do you mean? It's nice to talk to you. What do you want?

Gee, I thought we could have a friendly conversation like we used to. Visit about the Christian life. Stuff like that.

I'd love to Monica, but I'm a little busy right now. I know you have some time on your hands, but some of us are still employed and would like to stay that way.

That was catty, Rachel.

Sorry. I am just stressed out, I guess.

I know. That's partly why I called. Maybe we can pray about it. What do you think?

Maybe another time. Right now I need to summon more temporal powers.

That's the other reason I called. Do you need a referral to a good lawyer? Mine's just the best! He stopped Conyers and the rest of those yahoos on the House Judiciary Committee cold!

Actually, Monica, I think he just slowed "Conyers and the rest of those yahoos" down a little.

Whatever do you mean? He told the Committee that I wouldn't testify.

Sigh. He told the Committee that you were invoking your Fifth Amendment privilege against self-incrimination. You remember that from law school, don't you Monica?

There you go again! Of course I do! Just because you went to Yale and I went to that crackpot Pat Robertson's law school.

I hear that Conyers is talking about granting you immunity for your testimony before the Committee. If he does that, you'll have to testify.

Really? I mean yeah, I suppose. But that'll be great, because then I can just go up to the Hill and just say some things, yada yada yada, and protect like, everybody!

Did you ever use the DOJ email system Monica?

You know I did.

As the DOJ liaison with the White House, you either sent, received, or were copied on lots of emails, weren't you?

Well, sure.

You know who has those emails now, don't you Monica?

John Conyers?


Ooh, that's bad. But I'll be immunized, right?

You'll have immunity for any deeds you participated in, but not for any perjury you commit before the Committee. And if they have all your emails, you'll be on a pretty short leash. Not a good time to get creative, Monica.

But Paul and Kyle and even Alberto, I mean Mr. Gonzales, will be counting on me! Maybe even you!

But in the end, you'll save you own skin.

I suppose. Goodness! Can Conyers ask about whether I ever talked to you, like now?


I'm starting to see why you don't want to talk. Should I hang up now?

Yes, Monica. Please. Goodbye. [click]

Rachel, I would still like to end with a little prayer, just for old time's sake. Rachel? Rachel? Darn, I wanted to ask her if she was still sore that I missed her coronation.

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