Sunday, September 17, 2006

This is Alan Fine

This is Alan Fine, you’re next Fifth District Congressman!

Oh knock it off Alan! This is Ron Carey.

Sorry Mr. Carey. Is something wrong?

Other than the fact you don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of winning? But we both knew that before I called.

Then why did you call, other than to rub it in?

I actually called to thank you on behalf of the Republican Party for acting like such a schlub since Keith Ellison won the primary. You’ve got the biggest mud bucket I’ve seen in a while.

It doesn’t seem to be helping me much.

Jesus, Alan, you really are a schlub. Did you think all this stuff we’ve been feeding you is to help your sorry arse campaign? Get a grip, Alan.

Whatever do you mean, Mr. Carey?

[heavy sigh] All right, Alan, let me lay it out for you. If we can portray Keith Ellison as a scary brown person, and a Muslim to boot, and then associate him with Amy Klobuchar and Mike Hatch, we might be able to energize our base a little outstate. They don’t have much reason to show up at the polls right now. For example, our operative Michael Brodkorb has been working on a bumper sticker that features Keith Ellison and Amy Klobuchar. That dweeb Kennedy needs every vote outstate that he can lay his hands on.

You’re just a spear catcher, Alan.

Well, I wish someone had told me.

I just did. The Republican strategy has been all over the news. Where have you been, Alan?

I’ve been running for office in case you haven’t noticed.

Don’t be a wiseguy, Alan. If you take this one for the team, and make as big a stink as you can on your way down, there might be an appointment in it for you, that’s assuming Pawlenty gets re-elected.

What if he doesn’t get re-elected?

Then you get to go back to teaching bean counting, or whatever the hell you do teach.

Boy that’s reassuring.

Who am I? Your fairy godmother? Suck it up, Alan. And again, thanks. Goodbye. [click]

Goodbye, Mr. Carey. Mr. Carey?

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